The first time that I informed someone that I was moving away, I remember their response offending me. Partly because of how unoriginal it was, but mostly because it was entirely unnecessary and frankly, not true. Her words were, “Lori Ann, maybe it’s more brave to stay where you are than it is to go somewhere new and start over.” Honestly, I wanted to laugh. What even is bravery and who was she to place that thought in the back of my head? I’m not trying to prove to anyone how brave or courageous I am by moving to a different state where I know half of a handful of people. I’m simply doing the only thing I’ve ever known to be satisfying in my life; chasing after new places, new faces, new experiences and new adventures.
For the past 20 years I’ve been living my life in the chaos of uncertainty. I know that that’s not always a bad thing, but I’m tired of neglecting time, shrugging my shoulders and shoving every important decision under the rug. You want to know what I think being brave is? I think it’s about accepting that life is finite, that we are not promised tomorrow, and declaring that today is the day to make the change. Reorganizing your life is not like stacking the books on your shelves a different way than before; it is not like putting your collection ofJames Taylor records in another order. I’ve never been a fan of normality or run-of-the-mill. To me, bravery means no stacking, no arranging, no order at all.
It means digging in the corners of your room, behind the dressers, throwing everything out of the closet onto a pile in the floor, filtering through the mess and getting rid of what takes up the space that you don’t have. It’s like trying to pick out the perfect shade of paint when you’re colorblind, it’s like having to learn an entire language through the behaviors of someone whose native tongue is not your own, it’s like trying every sample at the cute little stations in Wal-Mart twice, it’s like walking a tightrope when you’re dizzy. Maybe it isn’t supposed to make sense.
Change is a burning ball of unpredictability: like the sun, it’s positioned a perfect distance away not to burn you, but at the same time, at it’s closest, it dances on your skin and reminds you how nice the right amount of warmth can be. But even with the unknown and the uncertainty, it is worth it. It is so undeniably worth it to learn how to break out of the limelight of “the usual.”
Reorganizing your life means directing people to the nearest exit when they do not appreciate you, reorganizing your life means not mistreating yourself for constantly changing tastes and interests, reorganizing your life means collecting your favorite memories in journals and saving them for a rainy day, but also having enough faith to trust that in another state, another city, another house, there will be more to come. On a deeper level, it means allowing yourself to be your own interior and exterior designer— no professional help, no permanence, no 3-step tips from Facebook posts, beauty magazines or self-help books. No one knows your heart and your soul like you do.
Making the decision to move was one that I made for myself. I was not influenced by anyone or anything other than the strings of my heart that were pulling me in that direction. With that, I am confident that there is nothing wrong with choosing to do things for yourself. I think that our definition of “selfish” has been misused and skewed by politics and pragmatism. You are not selfish for wanting to experience new things, find friends who understand you, read new books that will teach you, or see new places that, even if you despise them, you’ll know how to make the most of it. I am just now learning how essential change is. To the one who believes that staying put is bravery, I would say: I’m sorry that you feel that way. I would also say, to all, do not wait until it’s too late to find out that you deserve to decorate your life the way you want to, any and every day of your life. You are never stuck. You always have options. You can always make a change for yourself. Allow yourself to be who you are, because you’d be doing yourself a disservice not to be in total control of what your life looks like.
Simply discovering who you are, what your own personal flow looks like, and finding the balance between going with it and letting it go with you — maybe that is the extraordinary act of bravery.