Why You Should Consider Participating In Lent

Joel 2:12-13
“Yet even now,” declares the Lord, “return to me with all your heart, with fasting, with weeping, and with mourning; and rend your hearts and not your garments.” Return to the Lord your God, for he is gracious and merciful, slow to anger, and abounding in steadfast love; and he relents over disaster.

For many people, including myself, the initial thought of fasting can be one that’s extremely intimidating. Why would God want us to deny something that we love in this life — and especially for forty days? It can oftentimes seem like a mere guessing game as to what we may think we need to give up for lent. Sure… There are a lot of things in our every day routine that we could give up in order to create more space for intentional time with Jesus. But, if we want to experience all that God has for is in the months leading up to Easter, it has to be so much more than just self-discipline or saying “no” to something. This is about self-denial, and a call to “return to the Lord.”

The call to “return to the Lord” via fasting will teach you the immeasurable joy that’s found only in Jesus, regardless of how you view your circumstances. Is it a dry season for you? Are your finances not where you want them to be? Are your relationships failing? Is there a void in your soul that’s being filled with pain and uncertainty? Let this fast be a challenge to you and a call to return to the Lord. Wherever you find yourself reading this devotional, know that God is for you and He wants you to put your trust and your faith totally in Him. 

I’m sure that those of you who are giving something up for lent are learning quickly that fasting will definitely help you recognize and identify just how easy it is to find satisfaction in things outside of the realm of God. Though it may seem counter-productive to give up things that we love, it’s actually enabling us to experience Jesus in a way that shows us how essential our need for Him is. Once we renounce our dependence on getting satisfaction from earthly things and make room for the Holy Spirit, that’s when God comes in and sends a flood of joy to fill our cup with true and lasting satisfaction. Jesus isn’t going to be glorified just because you have self-discipline and can say “no” to Starbucks coffee or social media for forty days. Jesus is going to be most glorified in your effort to pursue lent when the decision that you make to deny something is for the sole purpose of making much of Jesus’ name. And let me say this: Lent is not a punishment. It is all about joy! More of Jesus and less of yourself is an absolute guarantee for pleasure.

So as you’re diving into day six, or seven, or twenty-seven, don’t forget what lent is all about. The battle will not be driving down the interstate and seeing Starbucks on the blue exit sign. The battle will not be seeing that there’s a notification on your Instagram app. The battle is in your soul. More than that, the battle is for your soul. The battle is waking up every morning and choosing Jesus, despite the trial and tribulation that comes your way. 

Flannery O’Connor, one of my favorite writers, described her pursuit of finding pleasure in God this way, “Always, you renounce a lesser good for a greater; the opposite is what sin is. Picture me, with my ground teeth, stalking joy — fully armed, too, as it is a highly dangerous quest.”

It’s not going to be easy. The things this world has to offer are so enticing, and if we aren’t careful, the war for our soul may be more at stake than we might think.
The devil is going to tempt you.
Your flesh is going to fail you.
But great is the reward for fasting, and great is the grace of God for sinners! 

I hope that you’re encouraged today! This lent season is much less about following rules or regulations, and much more about strengthening your relationship with God. When we return to Him, He restores to us all that we’ve been searching for. 

For more insight on what this looks like biblically, check out the rest of Joel chapter 2 and see how God rewards those who return to Him and seek His face.

Minor League Marriage

I’m just going to start by saying that marriage is, quite literally, everything that I never expected it to be. Every expectation, every assumption, every preconceived idea of what my married life was supposed to look like has been challenged and, for a lack of a better explanation, totally obliterated. The first few months were supposed to be filled with coffee dates, hikes through the mountains, nights around the fire pit, candlelit dinners, no arguments, no tears, and a whole lot of sex. I mean, that sounds like a great marriage, right? 

Well, in theory, heck yeah, it does. And maybe it’s just me, but the majority of things in that (vastly incomplete) list, have been neglected and have failed to make their debut in my marriage relationship. Okay, maybe not the last one… But, even that part of our marriage has been one that we’ve had to over communicate about and be totally mindful of what God has for us in that aspect of our life. And to be clear, this isn’t to say that Cole and I were lousy in dreaming big things for our marriage. We were extremely intentional about making sure that we were prepared spiritually, emotionally, mentally, physically, and financially for what was to come our way after the honeymoon was over. We knew that trial was inevitable and that a relationship within the confines of marriage was absolutely going to be attacked by Satan — after all, it’s the most beautiful picture of Christ’s love for the church, and if I were him, I would hate it, too. And I would also do everything within my power to crush the spirit of joy that should be unshakable in our relationship as a married couple. And while yes, the devil is relentless and he hits hard, these three months have been the most amazing and eye-opening months of our lives as we’ve grown closer to Jesus and each other, even through all of the uncertainty and unpredictability of marriage. 

Most of you know that Cole and I have been living in an RV this off-season. It's funny, when people ask how we’re liking it, it’s always interesting to see their reactions when we respond with an overwhelming sense of love and adoration for our new, little lifestyle. Yes, it’s everything you’re probably thinking, and above all, definitely tiny. We’d love to have a bigger closet, and I, personally, am dreaming of the day that I can soak in a hot bathtub again. But we’re living a dream, and it’s been our greatest adventure yet. To no surprise, while it can be the source of several challenges, it’s also been our greatest teacher. When conflict arises, there’s nowhere to run and there’s certainly no where to hide. There’s no upstairs bedroom to storm up to in anger, and there’s no downstairs basement to shove all of our problems into. In the heat of those moments, we may feel like we weren’t cut out for this whole marriage thing, but being unable to escape the space has enabled us to learn to communicate more efficiently. We’ve learned to live small, and not so much in the square-footage way, but in the way that helps us identify whatever is essential, and give away whatever is left. Whenever you find yourself trying to fit all of your belongings in an RV, you’re really forced to pick and choose what's important and, well, the rest just has to go. There’s no room for “stuff.” And pro-tip here: We’ve found that when the time comes to pare down, “out of sight, out of mind” has never been more true. We don’t miss a thing!

Aside from the relational pro’s and con’s of tiny-living, it’s just been so incredibly practical. In our slavery — I mean, dedication —to minor league baseball, it’s so nice to know that we’re on wheels. For now, we’re in Alabama one six-month period and in Maryland the next. It’s a little bit more comforting to know that wherever we go, our tiny house can come, too. Which, by the way, is entirely unpredictable, considering the chances are high for getting called up within the organization, or called down (please, no), or even getting traded to a new one… we could be in Arizona tomorrow for all we know! So, in that regard, there’s a little bit of security in having at least one thing that is consistent in our ever-changing lifestyle. 

Though great, like I said, these three months haven't been anything like I thought they would be. From the simple roles that we play, to the chores that we divvy up, all the way to the conflicting work schedules that we have, this marriage has completely thrown all of my expectations out of the window. And for that, I couldn’t. be. any. more. grateful. I think that it’s definitely been the Lord’s way of showing us that this beautiful gift of marriage is one that we don’t get to create and navigate on our own. And if (by “if” I mean “when”) we do, we’ll inevitably experience conflict and insecurity, because while God loves to see us enjoy this in-depth, super intimate design of a love relationship, He has a way of making sure that our eyes and our reliance is completely on Him. When we wake up and that isn’t our number one priority, those are the days that we’re quick to discover how hard it is to feed and grow a relationship in our own might. Through it all, Cole and I are learning, moment by moment, that without Him, we’re trading in something that’s totally good and totally unfailing for something that’s destined for uncertainty. At this point, we’ve been trying our best to be intentional and forward-moving. We don’t want to miss out on something that God has for our marriage because we’re so focused on something that carries little significance in the long-term, or holds us back from living out our God-given purpose in this life. We want to be dream-chasers and we want God to get all of the glory.

So that’s where we are. We’re tiny-living, marriage-amateurs, that are chasing God and big dreams. Cole’s headed to Spring Training in Florida in a month, and I’m headed to Maryland to find a good coffee shop. The rest is in God’s hands and outside of my expectations. 

So while this post serves as an update on our life together, I want it to also be a source of encouragement, too. Maybe you aren’t employed by the Baltimore Orioles or newly married, but I’m sure many of you may find yourself in a place in life where you never thought you’d be. Maybe you thought your major would be more fulfilling. Maybe you thought that boy was going to be more of a spiritual leader than he is. Maybe you thought you’d get that promotion or that recognition in your job this month. Maybe you're facing something that's challenging your belief in God. Maybe, like me, your reality is nowhere close to meeting your expectations and you’re blaming yourself for not feeling adequate enough to reach those goals. Let me say this: you have every weapon you need at your disposal to not only accomplish what you’ve set your mind to, but to also defeat the lies of the enemy that are shoving discouragement and discontentment down your throat. Jesus is for you. Everything that is good comes from Him. But by that same token, everything that comes from God is good — even the trials and the tribulation. If God has placed you in a particular circumstance, know that it is for your benefit, your better understanding, and for your learning. God is never going to allow you to experience something that is damaging to your soul. He wants to lift us up and encourage us. So, everything that has the opposite effect on your life is a lie from the enemy. When you find yourself in a situation that seems challenging to your spirit, or your angry with God, or you don’t see what good can come from your situation, you have to get outside of the realm of your feelings. Feelings are indicators that lie and steer us away from God’s truth. You’re never going to find God in those places of anger or resentment, because He can’t deny Himself. So instead of focusing on how defeated you think you are, focus on the Truth of God’s Word that says you are a champion of whatever battle comes your way. Remind yourself of how good God is. How faithful He is. How compassionate He is. How trustworthy He is. How patient He is... He’s going to come through for you, because He always does. He has gone before you and He stands beside you.

One day, and maybe not today, or this month, or this year, but God’s going to give you the gift of perspective and you’ll be able to look back on this time of uncertainty as just a memory — another circumstance where the Lord turned your plan B (or C, or D) into plan A, and rendered Himself faithful and True once again. 

Dear friend, God’s power will always exceed your expectations. Whether that’s completely obliterating them or completely exceeding them, His plan for your life and your future is matchless. I hope you’ll stand in confidence of that today. 

All my best,

LA

Let's Be Real

My social media platforms are always full of the subtle moments in my life that remind me of the people and the places that make me feel alive. Not all of those moments are smile worthy, laughable, or even all that picturesque. It's such a blessing to know that God designed relationship not only to provide company for the days full of rainbows and butterflies, but even the ones that are full of tears, stress, and anxiety. Cole Billingsley, regardless of the agenda or the attitude of my day, he’s the rock that keeps me steady. I felt like I needed to post this today because, like I said, this is a platform for me to showcase the moments of my life that make me feel alive, and, well, we're learning daily that the not so pretty days can be just as exhilarating as the ones we so easily find ourselves highlighting. So, confession: I cried all the way to the airport today about petty things that are totally meaningless, and like a trooper, he just listened. I tried my best (which is never that good) to figure out the source of my anxiety and communicate to him how I felt about this season of life we’re in. I was paralyzed with fear and I couldn’t understand or convey why. I put my head in my hands, I hugged my knees, and my tears managed to wipe all of the make up clear off of my face. I had all of these emotions filling my gut and I couldn’t explain them. I was so painfully aware of my existence in that moment — all I knew was that I want so bad to be the best wife to him that it physically hurts sometimes knowing that I’m only human and that I’ll fall short and fail him. He’s so beautiful and he’s so full of hope and grace and gratitude — I don’t deserve him. It was through my tears and the loud silence of the car ride that I realized that that was the beauty and the irony of the commitment of marriage we’re entering into. Marriage is a reflection of the Gospel. It’s loving the unlovable. It’s forgiving the unforgivable. Its understanding the incomprehensible. It’s second chances, and it’s never failing. Cole knew that my tears were deeper than words. He grabbed my hand, looked me in my mascara smeared eyes, told me that he loved me, and that there was nothing that I could do (or not do) that would ever change that. And that was Jesus. And that’s why I love him so much. And that’s why I know that in 18 days we’re stepping into an infinite moment that will always make me feel, you guessed it, alive. 

Though My Voice Is Small

Though my voice is small and my platform is ordinary, I cannot remain quiet.

The amount of hatred, ignorance and disregard for human life in our nation today is as heartbreaking as it is disgusting and vile. While the news may be covering the devastating acts in the city of Charlottesville, VA, we’re fools to believe that these wounds are not being inflicted upon lives all across our nation — in our neighborhoods, our communities, our schools, and even our churches. My heart and my prayers are with all affected.

This is not about history. Preserving history shouldn’t come at the cost of dehumanizing any individual. This is not about preference or politics. This is not about sides or spectrums. This is about domestic terrorism and bigotry. There is absolutely nothing acceptable or praiseworthy about racism — it is a learned parasite that creeps in and out and corrupts the mind, and the only antidote is love. We have to come together.

Many times in history, our country has risen from chaos through unity. A familiar motto of our nation that needs to ring true today: e pluribus unum. “Out of many, one.” The diversity of our country is what enables us to thrive. We have to cling to the truth that promises liberty and justice for all. There’s no room here for racism and hatred. Unification is the best weapon that we have to combat these acts of violence and terror.

Let me remind you, friend: The events that we’ve seen so horrifyingly played out on our television screens is not indicative of the vast majority of Americans. People are good. This world really is brimming with hope. This is a call for us to stand up and speak out for what we know is true + just in this world. Silence and indifference will never result in justice or resolution. And though my voice is small, together, we can create a battle cry that can undoubtedly eradicate and silence racism + hatred, one hard-hearted soul at a time.

And though my voice is small, my God is not. He is not shocked. He is not overwhelmed. He is not hopeless. He is not at a loss of what to do or say. He is Good. He is in control. His sovereignty reigns supreme, still + always, over my heart and this nation.

Let’s look to Him to supply and provide the peace that our nation so desperately needs.

Reach out. Extend a hand. Be an agent of love in a world filled with hatred.

Happy Birthday, Case Alan

A year ago today my family was introduced to a little bit of glue. Case has knitted us together in such a way that's made us all slow down and become aggressively aware of the most important things in this world – The gift of life and love that inevitably creates family. He has reminded us that every day, every hour, every minute, and every second is finite and fleeting -- what we make of our time with him in this phase of his life is critical. I pray that I, as well as all of the others in his life, are constantly awakened and changed by witnessing the miracle and experiencing the honor that it is to watch him grow bigger and stronger each passing day. Case, I hope you never lose your awe and your wonder for this big world you live in. I hope you always run unashamedly trustful towards the arms that reach out to you in this life -- both familiar and unfamiliar. People are good, and this world is brimming with hope. You just have to seek it out and share it. I hope your coming days are full of happiness and hugs. Sending you all of the love that I have to give today on this first birthday of yours.

Just As Christ Loves His Church

Getting ready to put on my wedding dress for my bridal portrait session... While words seem inadequate in this moment, they're all that I have. Being able to marry and experience life with Cole Billingsley is such an incredible and overwhelming blessing. I'm so thankful to have this sweet love in my life that reminds me so much of the love that I receive every moment of my days from my Heavenly Father. Regardless of the less than perfect past that I have, the regrettable mistakes that I've made and the selfish desires that consume my bones and flow from my words and my actions, He chooses me. Everyday. He still chooses me. I know that every morning that I wake up, I can wake up with a new hope and an everlasting joy that surpasses my insecurities, my shame, my doubt, and my fear. This love is so, so sweet! The love that I have for Cole in this moment seems pretty immeasurable -- I can only imagine how the Father looks down on me with affection and adoration. I'm thankful I have this earthly gift of marriage to remind me of the eternal gift of Heaven, where I can spend all of my days thanking God for blessing me with something as extravagant and beautiful as my relationship with Cole. 

Pressing Around You On All Sides

There are seasons in my life that I feel crippled by fear. The majority of my life has been an extremely whimsical adventure. As fun and exciting as it sounds (and is, mostly) it can also be full of anxiety, uncertainty and the paralyzing terror in not knowing what’s to come.

In order to combat the negative thoughts that can creep into my head as I think about my future, I’ve discovered that looking to Jesus for guidance is my greatest weapon. After a conference lead by Andi Andrew, I’ve gotten a much better view of my fear vs. my faith. 

You see, fear is a custom made weapon designed by the enemy to cripple us and rob us of the freedoms and certainties that we are called to live in through Jesus Christ.

What is it for you? Is it a fear that you’ll never have the career that you want? A fear that you aren’t enough? A fear that you’ll never get married or have a family of your own? Is it a fear of what others think about you? A fear of rejection? A fear of unwanted or unexpected anxiety?

If I had to condense this post into one sentence it would be this — Have vision and faith instead of fear.

Now, I know that you’re thinking, “Lori Ann, that sounds really nice, but that’s much easier said than done… How could I possibly latch on to that Truth and make it a reality for my life?”

I’d say this: Stop partnering with lies and reject what the enemy has to say about you and start locking arms with Jesus and His unwavering Truth.

By locking arms with Jesus, that calls for better knowing and believing his Word. When we read scripture, we’re told over and over again the things that we’ve received in and through Him. Things like sanctification, joy, peace, a future, acceptance and love. That’s your territory! When you trust Jesus, your territory is no longer anxiety; it’s the love of God. All you have to do is step into your inheritance. Fear and anxiety is no match for the power of the Lord.

God’s love is more than a beautiful, free gift. It’s a key weapon that we have access to in order to unlock ourselves from the various prisons of fear that we can so easily find ourselves in.

1 John 4:18-19 says this, “There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love.”

We have to get good at recognizing the things that are not from God. This verse says that fear is correlated with punishment… If I know one thing about my Jesus, it’s that He is no punisher. Choose to step out of fear and into Freedom by allowing God’s love to cast out the anxieties in your life. The devil wants to punish us, but God wants to perfect you in His love. That’s good news! You just have to allow Him to do it!

So. How do you engage the weapon of Love?

The best way that I’ve learned to counter my fear is by understanding and bathing myself in the relentless nature of God’s love.

It’s so pure. So kind. So good. In spite of your current relationship that you’re doubting… In spite of the uncertainties at your work or in your schooling… Regardless of the circumstances… He is ever steady – always in your corner and passionately pursuing you as He longs to be the Lord over all of your thoughts, all of your concerns, all of your work, and all of your life. He is so after you. You have to allow God to come inside and break down the walls that you’ve built so high. “God’s love is pressing around you on all sides in this very moment – you just need to allow Love to take its rightful position in your life.”

Another thing that’s enabled me to rid myself of the weightiness of life is not only knowingGod’s love for me, but trusting God’s love and allowing myself to step into and experience true freedom. As Christians, “we live from God’s love, not for it.” In other words, there isn’t anything that you have to do to earn His love. There’s no performance you have to do to receive it. It’s forever yours for the taking.

Just look at John 1 – You want to know how relentless His love is for you? How trustworthy it is? The Word became flesh and blood and it moved right into the neighborhood of your life. God wanted relationship with you so badly that He sent His son to become human. He wanted to feel what you feel. He wanted to walk through the same pains of life that you do. Jesus was rejected. Jesus experienced loss. Jesus was hungry. He suffered. He was shamed. He was abandoned and ridiculed. No one understands you like He does, and even still, no one loves you like He does. It’s my prayer that you allow that Truth to be bigger than your fear tonight.

And lastly, try this: break all of your agreements with fear. When you have a contract with something, it’s only natural that the next step is to move in to it. We aren’t called to move in to fear and live in anxiety. Instead, declare that you are moving out of fear and choosing to step into Jesus’ perfect plan for your life. Be wide-awake to where you are. You have everything that you need in order to resist the devil and His temptations. When you completely submit your life to God, you belong to His Kingdom and have all of His heavenly and eternal weapons at your disposal.

Psalm 91:2 says, “He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will abide in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say to the Lord, “My refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.”

What are you dwelling in? Is it in the shelter of the Most High? If not, whatever it is that you’re dwelling on, you’re dwelling in. Where your mind goes, you go.

Stop allowing yourself to live in anger, depression, anxiety and fear by using excuses like, “Oh, well, it’s always been this way.”, “I’ll be fine – it’s just a season.” or “It runs in the family.”

NO! When you speak like that, you completely render the power of the Cross ineffective in your life!

What has Love come to do?? Bind you? Chain you? No. It’s come to heal you! The Cross served a purpose and it was to free you from your chains of addiction and sin and filth and fear. Look at the nature of Jesus and trust that His ministry and His ability to save you is far greater than Satan’s ability to entangle you in distress.

“He heals the broken hearted and binds up their wounds.” Psalm 147:3

“Come, let us return to the Lord. He has torn us to pieces but he will heal us; he has injured us but he will bind up our wounds.” Hosea 6:1

Friend, if you get anything out of this, get this: Jesus’ love restores you and puts you back together. It’s that powerful. It redeems you. It repairs you. He upholds you and He keeps you. He forgives you and His love covers you, always. There’s no place that you can go or run that His love will not find you.

To end, I’m just going to leave you with a verse out of The Message translation that has rocked my world as I’ve been on a journey to become victorious over my fears and my anxieties:

“Watch what God does, and then you do it, like children who learn proper behavior from their parents. Mostly what God does is love you. Keep company with him and learn a life of love. Observe how Christ loved us. His love was not cautious but extravagant. He didn’t love in order to get something from us but to give everything of himself to us. Love like that.” Ephesians 5:1-2

For those who are struggling with fear or anxiety tonight, here’s a prayer for you:

“God, flood these people’s life with Your perfect love. For every person who is bold enough to say that they are plagued with fear, I pray that you would deliver them from the things that are paralyzing them and disabling them from living in Your complete freedom. I pray that the peace and the love that You have for them is so enveloping that they are unable to deny the power of your healing. Give them a tangible change in their lives and surround them with people who will lift them up and encourage them to step into all of the good that you have for them. You’re a good, good Father and we’re trusting You to do what only You can.”

Amen.

Because He Would Never Tell You Himself

He holds my hand. He opens all of the doors. He lets me control the radio. He sings relentlessly to our favorite songs in the car. He makes sacrifices daily, which mostly just consists of watching my favorite television shows (Tiny House Builders and Fixer Upper) and getting up off of the couch to bake me pizza rolls. He tries so hard to dance with me in my apartment. He lets me have (and by have I mean take) all of his T-shirts and pullovers. He gives me forehead and cookie dough kisses. He always makes me laugh. He is fascinating. He is beautiful. He is wild. He loses to me in Putt Putt and card games, and he never complains about it (LOL JK this is the only false statement in this whole post, I promise.) He is chivalrous, always giving and never expecting anything in return. He has such a desirable and inspiring heart. He is ambitious. He is honest and he is transparent. He is everything that I am not, and everything that I aspire to be. He is a blessing and he is a constant source of joy. He compliments my insecurities and he appreciates my flaws. He loves me out loud, and he loves me unashamedly. He makes me feel proud of who I am and what I’ve accomplished. He trusts me with his heart and his secrets. He catches me when I fall, both literally and figuratively. He has a quiet confidence that draws everyone to him. He is a spiritual warrior – always challenging me to know and imitate our Jesus more and more. He loves the Lord more than he loves me, and he expects nothing less from me. The scriptures that we read together are not merely cited nor do they return void; instead, they are abundantly apparent in his lifestyle, his choices and his thoughts. He is intentional and purposeful. He represents the church well as he strives for an authentic unity among his peers and his family. He respects and protects my purity every single day. He leads me in such a soft and gentle way, always encouraging me to pursue my passions and follow my dreams. He prays for me and with me – over every meal and over every circumstance. He is kind and he is humble. He is strong. He is disciplined. He is hardworking – always giving 110%, nothing less. He is wise. He is selfless. He is slow to speak and he is quick to listen. He is patient, always. He extends mercy and embodies grace in a way that speaks volumes of Christ’s love for humanity. He is even-tempered and never impulsive. He is a protector and a provider. He makes me feel like I am the most important person in the room. He is such a solid source of positivity in so many people’s life. He chooses to love me unconditionally every single day, even when it’s not easy. He loves me when I’m sad. He loves me when I don’t understand. He loves me on the good days, and even more on the bad. He is home. He is never too much. He is always enough. He is a real man of God, and he is the man of my dreams.

I’m just telling you because he would never tell you himself.

I love you so much, Cole. Thank you for loving me like Jesus does and for always challenging me to be a better friend and a better Christian. You lift me up, and I’m so blessed by you

The Hopefulness Of Tomorrow

My 2015 was filled with beauty, growth, life, love, laugher, and friendship.

It was the everyday miracles that genuinely lead me to appreciate the small things. It was feeling the sunlight warm up my skin. It was finding flowers growing between the cracks of the sidewalk. It was meeting people who coincidentally live on the same wavelength as me and finding such a comfort in that. It was being able to hold someone else’s hand. It was tree leaves that taught me everything I needed to know about change and falling. It was bad haircuts and bad hair colors. It was listening to old songs and new songs and our songs without setback. It was discovering parts of myself in books I swore I’d never read, in art, in people, and in places that I had never been before. It was learning the patience that’s necessary to heal, to survive, to let go. It was the ocean. It was filling my mouth with laughter, with someone else’s name, with love. It was love. It was calling a new place home. It was feelings that can only be described with actions. It was learning new words. Learning new passions. Learning new aspirations. It was moments of firsts. It was time – when it went by slowly and when it went by fast. It was trusting that my plans for my life are no match for God’s. It was coming home. It was discovering a new favorite color. It was learning to be at peace with myself. It was healing. It was looking in the mirror and finally being okay with who was looking back at me. It was appreciating space. It was standing on top of a mountain with the world stretched out before me. It was the realization of the infinite and the endless. It was learning to love someone back. It was loving myself. It was making mistakes. It was growth. It was spontaneous trips. All the time. It was new beginnings. It was cities I had never seen. It was making it out a better person. It was new people. It was starting over. And above all, it was always, always the hopefulness of tomorrow.

Thankful that Jesus is constantly making me new. That He loves me enough to crush me with His grace and bless me with more than I deserve. Expecting God to move and shower me with love and guidance as I walk into 2016 with a zealous heart and a passionate desire to share His love with others.

Thank you, readers, for the support you’ve given, the prayers you’ve prayed, and for the love you’ve shown. You are all beautiful, and I’m so grateful to know you delight in sharing (the broken and the molded) pieces of my life.

Different Colored Eyes

Every morning that I wake up I learn to accept that not all places I have been are places I will return

sometimes, there will be faces I was so used to seeing that will never grace me again

there will be blue eyes I was so fond of finding from across the room that I may never look through again – ever changing, sensitive, like ice-capped mountains not able to bear the light of the sun

at the realization that I am never getting any of these moments back

my life slips forward, my foot hits the brake, my mind locks up for a brief moment

but almost gracefully

it slides on top of the unsalted winter roads and straight into an eye-opening halt

I can’t live one foot dipped into a cold ocean of the past and the other on a warm beach of what’s to come

I need both on solid ground, to walk boldly towards tomorrow –

fully prepared to discover

new places,

new faces,

and different colored eyes.

From The Tip Of My Toes To The Top Of My Head

I’m sitting here on my couch watching the news. I feel like I haven’t moved for days now — just flipping back and forth from news channel to news channel to news channel. I keep hoping that one of them will falsify the news; that these evil acts upon innocent people all over our beautiful World will all just be a nightmare that we can all, very soon, wake up from. I don’t suppose that’s going to happen, though. I’ve cried many tears, asked God numerous questions, and I’ve prayed vigorously (maybe even selfishly) for the Lord to return. We, Christians, pray that a lot, don’t we? “Lord, come quickly.” It’s so easy to sit on the couch of Christianity and say that we, too, are hurting with the rest of the world. That we’re so sorry. That we’re praying. That love triumphs over and is louder than hate. That Jesus is coming back soon. All of these things may be aggressively true, but it’s so much harder to get out from underneath the blanket that we’re under, to put the tissues away, to dress ourselves in His armor, and to go fight for it. I was reminded today that in my longing for Jesus’ return, though I may be whole-heartedly confident in my faith that I’m ready to see Jesus face-to-face, there are many that are not. So while I sit on my couch in tears, there are people roaming this broken world who do not have the joy of knowing that one day they can dance in the presence of Jesus. They don’t have the hope of Heaven. They don’t know that one day there will be no more tears. No more death. No more pain. No more crying. And I think, maybe, that’s what makes me the saddest. I, in no way, want to undermine the importance of sending a message of solidarity and condolence to the French people. It’s truly my heart’s prayer that the Lord sheds comfort and strength and the ability to persevere on and over those who were affected. But today, the anguish of my heart has been shifted, slightly, from those who are already so loved, towards those who are so not. It’s very easy to see (and rightfully so) that all of the victims of these brutal and heartless crimes and attacks are being embraced with open arms, showered with prayer, and humbly being served in every capacity. But with Jesus’ arms around me, right now, in all of my sadness and heartache, fear and anxiety are no match for His love! I’m reminded that the deplorable people who have committed all of these acts of hatred have probably never been loved before. And though it does not, and will never justify their acts, it is our job to extend grace and mercy and as hard as it may be, you guessed it — love. I can’t imagine what it would be like to feel as if taking the life of another person (or people) would satisfy my heart’s desires. I can’t imagine how hard it must be to fall asleep at night knowing that I’ve caused a great amount of people eternal earthly pain and suffering. I cannot imagine what it must be like to have never experienced running into the embrace of a father’s strong arms, or falling asleep in the lap of a mother. To not know Love — to not know God, is to chase and pursue nothing other than death. Whether it’s your own or that of others. And I want that to stop. Before I sit back down on my couch and hear another word from a news anchor, I so so desperately want that to stop. And who am I to pick and choose who I show that compassion to? I want to tell the families of the victims that I love them. But more than that, I want to tell the person that walked into that concert venue in Paris, France, on November 14th and shot and killed nearly 100 people that I love them. I want to tell the person who set off the bomb near the Stade de France that I love them. I want them to know that there’s a God, a Savior, Jesus, who is so, madly in love with them. That though their actions were vile and disgusting, that they can run into His arms, instead, and be embraced with forgiveness and affection. That though they exert all of their efforts on serving other gods and idols, that they can, instead, lay their head at the foot of the Cross — in the lap of Jesus, and find rest for their tired and weary souls. I would want them to know, too, that even in my best behavior, I am no better than they are. That I, too, am unclean. That my most righteous acts are nothing but filthy rags in comparison to the Glory and the Perfection of my Savior — who makes me white as snow. But that’s the difference! I am continually made whole again. I am forgiven. My God gives me new mercies every morning that I wake up. And I have been commanded, not asked, to share that great Truth with every single breathing soul.

So next time I want to sit on my couch and cry from the safety of my comfort zone, I will make sure of one thing: From the tip of my toes to the top of my head, they’re going to know that I love You, Lord, and that You are the One who satisfies the desires of the heart and gives rest to the weary.

My prayer, today, and I hope that you will join me, in the words of True Love, Jesus, is: “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.”

You Are Not A Storage Closet, And That Is Not Love

You are not a storage closet. You are not a beaten up, bottom shelf that’s misused for someone to place their preferences on.

Sometimes we find ourselves entangled in other people’s lives that aren’t good for us just because we want to be wanted. It might be a valid explanation, but it is in no way a good justification.

Sure. You can tell yourself all you want that he really cared for you, that he was different, that he did and said all of those things because, at one point, he truly loved you, saw you for who you were, accepted your strange idiosyncrasies, and wanted you all the more for them. But a bitter and eye-opening conclusion is that sometimes we’re just the niche that people try to fit their hope into. He saw you as someone to enhance his life, someone he could project an image onto– I mean, it made sense: you are an intelligent, beautiful and confident human being and you chose him.

For all intents and purposes, you’re like Clementine Kruczynski from The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. You are mightily independent and don’t require anyone confiding in you as a main source of making your life worthwhile, and you also don’t expect anyone else to be that for you. Frankly, it’s an unhealthy and unstable way to live or go about relationships. Don’t be surprised when you look back at past relationships and discover that some people you once loved were irreplaceable to you. Even when you might as well have been anyone to them, just as long as you stroked their ego, reassured them that they are fully capable of hanging the moon, and that yes, they were absolutely worth their ultimatums — then, you were all good to go. I’d say this: Please do not feel pessimistic and skeptical of love because of one individual who does not deserve your over zealous and kind heart.

After thoroughly thinking through the experiences I’ve had with my own relationships and romantic encounters, along with those of others I’ve heard of or am acquainted with, let me relay how easy it is to be negative about love when you lose sight of your own clear, honest definition of it. It was easy, in the beginning, to catch myself evaluating some of these worries about what love was and how relationships were supposed to function, and how it upsets me that love can sometimes seem like mere chaos and ambivalence. I sometimes sigh, restlessly, seeing so many of the people I care for settle for less than they deserve or stay with people out of sheer convenience or necessity. Too many of the things that I’ve witnessed have been truly one-sided and based on shallow, fickle things. But when I find myself hearing these things and seeing these things, I’m (unfortunately) encouraged. Because that is not love, and it is not what we’re to be searching for.

And it’s as simple as that. Those things we settle for, those things we allow to keep happening just because it’s easier than ending them, those people whose affections we accept because we don’t think that we deserve anything more – that is not love. That is simply shoving our imagination through a narrow vessel in which it maneuvers, and eventually will sink.

Perhaps it’s impossible to find someone who really wants you, and not just the idea of you. Someone who loves you for the silly habits, the 12 am thoughts, and the roller coaster of an existence that you call your life. Or maybe it’s not. But there’s one thing I know more than ever at this time in my life, and that’s that I don’t want to be with anyone who ever uses me as a storage closet again, who needs me to complete his life, stroke an ego, or only exist for a brief moment of suitable time. I want to be something extra in someone’s life that he could undoubtedly live without, but chooses not to. Not because they need a place to store their sadness or joy or attachment, but because they know that I’m so much more than a shelf to put things on, and because they see the future and fearlessly want to run beside me towards the finish line with endurance.

The only kind of real love there is, is the love that makes both people better. The kind that grows and the kind that compliments the understood weaknesses of the other.

You Go From There

Sitting in the corner of the coffee shop a block away from my apartment complex, and it’s unusually difficult not to notice how connected everyone is– by that I mean to my left is a college student on her phone and her Facebook at the same time, to my right is a man talking on his bluetooth and browsing the web, in front of me is a man on a video call, and on the other side of the room there’s an entire table of men, each of which are on their computers while respectively jumping from app to app. I, too, am here on my e-mail and writing on the computer.

And it’s ironic how absolutely disconnected this is making all of us. I’m the last person who would ever jump on the “technology-is-ruining-us” train of thought, but I also can’t say I don’t see the fault in the whole thing. Doing things like going out in public, going to restaurants and sitting in coffee shops used to be about interacting. Now, it’s merely been added to the list of things we do while simultaneously and consistently being plugged into our phones or laptops. It makes me a little sad– Especially when I realize that a lot of the time, we use our gadgets to literally escape the feeling that we are unable to create a reality around us that we like, and therefore it’s much easier to lean on our online or social media presence. So lately I’ve not only been convicted, I’ve been trying to use my phone as little as possible when out with others.

I know that there’s nothing inherently wrong about using technology and social media frequently. It only becomes detrimental when we use them to avoid or replace really living or participating. Nothing beats the warmth of a hand shake or the connection made from a “nice-to-meet-you” smile. So after I finish typing this, I vow to put the laptop down, to start a conversation with someone, and relish in the experience of having other human beings around me. If nothing else I think that is, at the least, a starting place.

It’s easy to get caught up in the mentality that we can never be offline or away from our phones. We’ve grown used to that, “But what happens if I don’t update or check my blog/Facebook/Twitter tonight? What am I going to miss out on?” mindset. But the answer to that question?

Absolutely nothing.

Instead, you meet people. You drink coffee together. You experience life. You live.

And you go from there.

Brave And Stable And Full Of Tomorrows

You cannot live your life in a constant battle to prove to someone that you’re worth having around. You’ve also got to understand that you can’t make someone want you or love you. That’s a truth that they’ve got to discover all on their own. Now, I know that the emotion and the depth of caring for someone can be so overwhelming that it literally feels painful just to harbor it in your guts, in your heart, in your lungs, in everything. But it can be good. It doesn’t have to hurt. You just have to remember how to take it and give it in ways that make your life better instead of worse. You have to help each other hold it so that it doesn’t crush you. You have to accept that it doesn’t always come in the forms that you’d prefer and that it’s not always here to stay. Sure. Sometimes people aren’t who you think they are. Sometimes you don’t get the answers that you’re looking for. Sometimes you aren’t treated fairly or respectfully. Sometimes they don’t love you back, and sometimes it hurts so bad that you think you won’t recover. Let me remind you of this, though: you still have your smile and your wit. You still have your family and you still have your Jesus. You still have your strong, disciplined, sometimes shaking hands that you’ve trained to dress yourself with confidence every day. Sometimes that’s all you need to make it through. He is not your be all and end all. Love is not subject to one individual. You are your own person; free to discover the entire universe. You cannot solely make homes of the people that you adore and neglect the one that made you who you are.

Your home is your heart — brave and stable and full of tomorrows.

A Monument Of What Has Survived

Throughout my 20 years of existence I have learned a lot of hard life lessons. Rarely, I find myself wise enough to coach myself through battles before they occur. When that happens, though, it flows thick through my veins like a code — impossible to ignore. I have taught myself that my dreams and expectations in this life will never unfold entirely like I wish. Life will sometimes throw things and hit me hard enough to break skin. Circumstances and weaknesses will place themselves like scars (both voluntarily and involuntarily) on the tops of my thighs. Hard times come and when they do, they will fill the spaces between my ribcage like cement that’s trying to drown any positive spirit attempting to breathe through the cracks. I have taught myself that there will be mornings that my heart will split open, afternoons of picking myself up off the floor, and nights so long that I beg for God to return. Through the long days and the lonely nights, I have consistently reminded myself that though I collect galaxies of tears in my hands, I am not the product of star-crossed lovers. Instead, I am a child of the Star-Breather Himself. It’s really no wonder that my heart is so big. I know there will be nights that I feel like I can’t take one more step, but I also know that I must throw myself forward — not checking below me for a safe place to land, but knowing that with every ounce of stardust that fell into my fists, I have more than enough strength to be victorious over dead ends – I can turn a terrifying free fall into an enthralling parachute ride to a better tomorrow.

In my future, I know that when my daughter comes to me with battle scars that no soldier should have, I will unashamedly display mine like a medal of valor; I will kiss her wrists and say, “Little one, this is not a map to a dead end, this is a monument of what has survived.”

It's Okay

Some find wonder in driving across the country,

some find wonder on the top floor of a public library.

Some find adventure in hiking the Rocky Mountains,

some find adventure at the tip of a paint brush.

Each soul goes in its own direction,

guided (or misguided) by the atlas of their mind.

Who cares if you like light coffee or dark coffee,

or if you walk into a Starbucks just to walk out.

You have the capability to appreciate all things —

to go where you so desire,

to become what you want to become.

This is your reminder:

It’s okay.

It’s okay to love what others don’t.

Whether you scale mountains or canvas’, roads or bookshelves,

if you’re still breathing,

you’re still beautiful.

Glow-In-The-Dark Planets And Stars

I’m packing my car up

with the weight of a life

that I’ve tried to carry around

like a bindle over my shoulder,

and I realized I have no room left

for you or the memories underneath

the glow-in-the-dark planets and stars

stuck on your bedroom ceiling.

Extraordinary Act Of Bravery

The first time that I informed someone that I was moving away, I remember their response offending me. Partly because of how unoriginal it was, but mostly because it was entirely unnecessary and frankly, not true. Her words were, “Lori Ann, maybe it’s more brave to stay where you are than it is to go somewhere new and start over.” Honestly, I wanted to laugh. What even is bravery and who was she to place that thought in the back of my head? I’m not trying to prove to anyone how brave or courageous I am by moving to a different state where I know half of a handful of people. I’m simply doing the only thing I’ve ever known to be satisfying in my life; chasing after new places, new faces, new experiences and new adventures.

For the past 20 years I’ve been living my life in the chaos of uncertainty. I know that that’s not always a bad thing, but I’m tired of neglecting time, shrugging my shoulders and shoving every important decision under the rug. You want to know what I think being brave is? I think it’s about accepting that life is finite, that we are not promised tomorrow, and declaring that today is the day to make the change. Reorganizing your life is not like stacking the books on your shelves a different way than before; it is not like putting your collection ofJames Taylor records in another order. I’ve never been a fan of normality or run-of-the-mill. To me, bravery means no stacking, no arranging, no order at all.

It means digging in the corners of your room, behind the dressers, throwing everything out of the closet onto a pile in the floor, filtering through the mess and getting rid of what takes up the space that you don’t have. It’s like trying to pick out the perfect shade of paint when you’re colorblind, it’s like having to learn an entire language through the behaviors of someone whose native tongue is not your own, it’s like trying every sample at the cute little stations in Wal-Mart twice, it’s like walking a tightrope when you’re dizzy. Maybe it isn’t supposed to make sense.

Change is a burning ball of unpredictability: like the sun, it’s positioned a perfect distance away not to burn you, but at the same time, at it’s closest, it dances on your skin and reminds you how nice the right amount of warmth can be. But even with the unknown and the uncertainty, it is worth it. It is so undeniably worth it to learn how to break out of the limelight of “the usual.”

Reorganizing your life means directing people to the nearest exit when they do not appreciate you, reorganizing your life means not mistreating yourself for constantly changing tastes and interests, reorganizing your life means collecting your favorite memories in journals and saving them for a rainy day, but also having enough faith to trust that in another state, another city, another house, there will be more to come. On a deeper level, it means allowing yourself to be your own interior and exterior designer— no professional help, no permanence, no 3-step tips from Facebook posts, beauty magazines or self-help books. No one knows your heart and your soul like you do.

Making the decision to move was one that I made for myself. I was not influenced by anyone or anything other than the strings of my heart that were pulling me in that direction. With that, I am confident that there is nothing wrong with choosing to do things for yourself. I think that our definition of “selfish” has been misused and skewed by politics and pragmatism. You are not selfish for wanting to experience new things, find friends who understand you, read new books that will teach you, or see new places that, even if you despise them, you’ll know how to make the most of it. I am just now learning how essential change is. To the one who believes that staying put is bravery, I would say: I’m sorry that you feel that way. I would also say, to all, do not wait until it’s too late to find out that you deserve to decorate your life the way you want to, any and every day of your life. You are never stuck. You always have options. You can always make a change for yourself. Allow yourself to be who you are, because you’d be doing yourself a disservice not to be in total control of what your life looks like.

Simply discovering who you are, what your own personal flow looks like, and finding the balance between going with it and letting it go with you — maybe that is the extraordinary act of bravery.

Pebbles Turning Into Stones Turning Into Boulders

I was trying to finish a book on the beach that I bought and started over a month ago when I heard the softest voice approach me — one that was hard to be startled or scared by. I’ve yet to recall what those first words were but after our encounter, I don’t assume his greeting was of much importance. Today I met a wonderful old man whom, after seeing scars decorate his body much like my own, I asked to sit next to me and graced me with his presence. He talked about a lot of things, but mostly all of the “adventures” he’s had in his life thus far. Each story seemed to carry a hardship along; pebbles turning into stones turning into boulders. You could see pain and heartache in his eyes and on the calluses that covered his hands. He told stories like they were questions, all of which asking, “don’t you understand?” or “do you know what that feels like?”. I wanted to nod my head to let him think that I understood, that I could empathize with him, but I couldn’t. I just felt my throat tighten up and my heart trying to wrap it’s imaginary arms around his. He’s been through so much. He talked about living through segregation and all of the racism and hardships earlier in the 20th century. He said he should have turned to violence from all the anger he had welled up inside of him, but he didn’t. He lost his wife and children due to mistakes that he wished he never made. He showed me his family tree in pictures that he’s kept and collected, starting with his great grandfather who was a slave in the 1850’s. Though it was long and an “undesirable” one, he managed to laugh about his life despite its many moments of difficulty. In doing so, he reminded me that there are always people who are able to make the best of what life gives them. He had many stories, much advice, and jokes that were worn like dirty rags on a line, but he had lived, he was living, and he was proud.

I tried to share words of love and encouragement, but I couldn’t help but just want to listen. Many words were exchanged but before we parted, he chuckled and shook his head as he spoke, “Anyone who says those were the good ol’ days is wrong, but back then we were certainly getting close to the good ol’ days. I think we’re still getting there, and I hope I’m playing a part in that.”

My boulders turning into stones turning into pebbles.

I know that for me, it’s so unsettling to think about how maybe I don’t really know people at all. I can fool myself into thinking that I do simply because I know where my cousins go to school and what hobbies they participate in, or that the man that I see on the corner of the street every week is homeless and that’s all there is to it. I was reminded today that that is not the case — there’s always something more intricate that you’d need to see to understand. There is something so significant but so well-hidden between the ribcage and the lung: there are so many things I have to find to see a person, like hide and seek, I may see black and white on the surface, but what’s in between and underneath? Can I learn to touch the childhood of the lady that I sit next to at the doctor’s office? Can I see the book that my best friend carried around with her everywhere she went until all of the pages fell out? Can I attach myself to the memory of a man who eats alone at the same restaurant every Tuesday? How many things am I overlooking, mistaking, misinterpreting and missing?

How many people walk up to me on a daily basis with a soft voice that I merely look at, but I never really see?

Thank you, Richard, for allowing me to have a glimpse into your life and for restoring my zeal to make these days “the good ol’ days.”

P.S. You are. You are certainly playing a part

Right Now

At the risk of being entirely cheesy, I’m just going to put this out here: Life is socool. There is so much beauty in this world that goes unnoticed and unrecognized. All too often, we make it too easy to disregard the positivity in the world because of how small it may look in the shadow of all of the negative things. I get it. All you have to do is turn on your television to know that bad things are happening at all times in all places in all manners. It’s scary, and though it may not always be occurring on your stomping grounds or affect you directly, it is so, so real.

Side note: This is your daily reminder. Before you even continue reading the rest of this blog post, stop and pray for those people and those places right now. Nepal, Baltimore, North Africa, the Middle East, Ukraine, and all of our nation’s leaders. They need it. We all need it.

And whenever you find yourself sad, with a loss of assurance, or forgetting all of the things there are to love in this world, try to take a minute to think about how this place is actually brimming with hope. There are good people in this world who breathe the same air that you do. Remind yourself that there is still magic in the way that someone laughs way too loud, in the confidence of the girl that’s overcoming doubt and depression, in the moment that it’s so easy to be enamored by a total stranger in your favorite coffee shop, in the comfort of laying your head on a pillow after a long day, in the myriad of ways that people choose to convey their thoughts and emotions, in the cliche, predictable ending of a romantic comedy, in the idea that at this very moment someone is getting their first kiss, having their first child, getting baptized, or falling in love. There is still magic in the notion that we, every single one of us, is nowhere near done being loved yet, and someday we will find people who want to hold onto us as tight and as much as we don’t want to let go of them. Wow. There’s beauty in that. Magic. So much of it, actually, in the prospect that there is so much left to experience and to discover. And I know, I know that it can all seem so very small — that these things feel like insufficient nothings when you compare them to a loved one’s death, watching hatred fill city streets and corrupt minds, or feeling lonely in a place full of people who are supposed to care. But the wonderful thing is that the light is always there, even if you have to squint your eyes or spend hours searching your mind for one good thing. Keep looking. I promise that it’s there.

And to be fair, I know that there are days when you may feel like you can hardly carry on. When your heart sincerely aches for so many people that you may not ever be able to wrap your arms around on this side of Heaven, but there is never a day that passes when we aren’t given the choice to be grateful for having so many chances to live, and much more than that, to enjoy living. In other words, on days like today, there’s nothing wrong with loving the crap out of everything and everyone, even if it means never getting any type of affection in return.

In sum, you will experience everything — every emotion will be a part of your life at some point, in one form or another: the good, the bad, the kind that you didn’t even know existed and you don’t have a name for… There’s really no use in trying to avoid situations and experiences, no matter how inconvenient the timing will be. Because the truth is that the time will always be inconvenient. You will never hear terrible news, hit heartbreak or reassurance or a have a bad moment at the ideal time of day or year; they will come from around the corner, out of the blue or seem to drop from out of the sky. Life is not something you get to set aside for the future, it’s something that you have to learn to deal with, in all of its capacity, right now. No matter how difficult it is to deal with, the thing to do is figure it out right now. To appreciate right now. To love right now. To pray right now. To hope right now. To give right now. Whether it’s love, friendship, school, family: the time is right now.